NineWest or Ferragamo?

Since the hubby was at work and the daughter actually woke up early today, I decided to take a stroll to Pavilion and also, to do my grand-daughterly duties of having brunch with Mama and Yeh Yeh.

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Daddy and mummy decided to bring the grandparents for their favorite congee and dim sum at CrystalJadePalace and since daddy had been emphasizing on the fact that Yeh Yeh was looking forward to seeing Renee, how could I not say yes right. And also, how could I say no to going to a shopping mall where my fav Charles&Keith happens to be! *winks*

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NineWest was launching their latest collection of shoes and bags in conjunction with the Pavilion Pit Stop week and so, being girls, Sarah and I floated into the fahsion show arena. Renee's first ever fashion show! Exciting-nya!

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The models were all from AndrewModels and gosh, their legs, like sky high!

And they were all sooooooo skinny!

And FLAT CHESTED!!!!

Hahahaha....I don't feel so bad afterall!

In fact, I can proudly proclaim that I have a little more to show than them!

So proud!

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SHUT UP!!!

I KNOW that I'm a breastfeeding mother now and that my breasts will shrink back into non-existence once I wean Renee off.

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But let's just think of now and today.

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Thank you.

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i think she was more facinated with the disco balls above

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We were seated in the 2nd row from the catwalk and were so terribly up close and personal with the long legged creatures it was just exhilirating! Our noses were practically stuck to each shoes that modelled past us and as more shoes walked pass, the deeper I fell in love with each design.

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that's an exasperated Andrew in the background

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It was sooooo exciting!

Mother and daughter (and of course Sarah) were watching a fashion show together for the first time and I was sure Renee was just as excited as I was to be on VIP seats at a NineWest fashion show.

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SHE FELL ASLEEP!!!!

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Among the gorgeous models, the even more gorgeous shoes on display, the LOUD booming music, the hype of it all, and she FELL ASLEEP!!!!

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I was telling BestieKat about it later in the evening.

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My daughter is soooo not a shoes and bag person lah! Imagine lah, she fell asleep at a NineWest fashion show!

Maybe she's not the NineWest type of girl leh. Maybe she's a Ferragamo shoes and bag type...

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GASPS!

*clutches heart in shock*

If she ever opens her mouth for a Ferragamo, I'd die dot come Cheesie style.

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Sarah and I were so into this one paticular Asian model.

She was HOT!

I tried to take a picture of her but didn't get a clear one.

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she's the 2nd one from the left

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She had a pair of the most gorgeous eyes and we were just drooling over her.

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Hopefully Renee will grow up to be gorgeous too.

She definitely won't be flat chested. I hope.

Here she is....baring her cleavage for all to see!

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I'm so doomed

I knew I was doomed the day I got pregnant.

Not because I wasn't ready for a child although at that time, I really wasn't ready. I mean, honeymoon was suppose to be in May, and then after that only try for a child but then I found out I was with child in January and it was all because I miscalculated and....anyways, that's old story now.

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Not doomed because my body was gonna bloat up. Well, I wasn't looking forward to having wider hips because my hips then was already wide and all but then again, all women will have to bloat up when pregnant and anyways, I got my body back to the way it was and in fact I'm lighter than before I got pregnant and I lost so much weight that even my double-eyelid-less eye has miraculously formed a double-eyelid whoopeee! which just goes to show how much oil and fat I lost just from my face alone and YES, I AM GLOATING....teeeheehee!

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I knew I was doomed because....

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You know how everyone has a fear of something? And as you all know if you've been following this blog, my biggest fear is for the four-legged, translucent brown, clammy cold thing you people call a lizard which I don't think it even deserves to have a name but anyways, yes, this lizard thing and I have been on-going enemies for the longest time and no matter how much I try to tell myself that there's nothing much to fear about them, I will continue to be afraid of the disgusting things for the rest of my life and there's nothing much anyone can do about it (this sentence is too long I don't know how to end it).

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My other fear is cooking.

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I know right.

Cooking.

Like duh, cooking?

Cooking. Lizard. Cooking. Lizard. Cooking.

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Okay, fine, to be fair to the lizards, I don't actually fear fear cooking. I more like fear the whole process of cooking. Preparing the ingredients. Putting them into the wok. Having oil spit out from the firery pit onto my hands and singe-ing me. And then having the food taste pathetic after the whole process. That fear.

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So because of this fear, I never attempted to cook. Well, once in a while I do but nothing interestingly enough to cause a fire in the kitchen and most of the time when I DO have to cook (like making maggi mee or boiling rice), I use the good ol' microwave.

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Oh yes, I absolutely LURVE the microwave! Without it, I would never be able to fry eggs, or boil rice, or make instant noodles and etc!

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So, you would think, don't like to cook, scared to cook then don't cook lah, right?

I thought so too.

Until I got pregnant. But then, I pushed it away and told myself to cross the bridge only when I get to it.

And then, 2 weeks ago, when I brought Renee for her check-up, her pediac tells me, the next time you come, I will talk to you about bubur for Renee and being the moron that I am, I ask back, what's bubur?

You should have seen the look on FattyHubby's face. It wasn't nice.

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Porridge???!!!

OH.MY.GAWD!!!!

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE PORRIDGE!!!!!

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Why can't Renee just drink breastmilk and live on rice cereals forever?

It's just as good as eating bubur right?

They even sell rice cereals with bananas / pears / apples / or whatever you want they have so why would I need to do any cooking?

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Who says boiling porridge does not constitute as cooking? I wil shoot anyone who tells me that okay. I swear I will!

I have to wash the rice right?

I have to put it in a pot, put in the right amount of water and set it to boil right?

It has fire involved right?

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Confirm die!

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BestieKat called me few days ago and I decided to unburden my woes onto her and what does she do? She LAUGHS at me! Hmph!

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And then, she offered to demonstrate it for me one day when I go over to her place. But WHY CAN'T I USE THE MICROWAVE???? I wailed.

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Because it won't be as tasty as doing it the right way. Besides, using microwave is not healthy.

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Tasty? Babies can't taste. If they could, they wouldn't have invented all sorts of different flavored rice cereals right?

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But the one point that hit me was 'not healthy'.

And because of that, I'm doomed.

Doomed to boil porridge for Renee from now onwards.

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Oh, the sacrifices a mother makes for her child!

Fail

Seriously, only mothers out there will understand that staying home to be a full-time mom HAS GOT TO BE the toughest job on the planet!

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Shit.

I NEVER in my life expected my life to be like that. If I'd known, I'd have waited a little longer before ever deciding to have a baby.

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Babies are not easy to deal with.

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It's not the pooping or the feeding or the rocking to sleep or anything.

It's the CRYING!

Gosh!

And especially when they cry for no reason at all!

Or at least I don't think there's a reason for them to cry.

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Diapers cleaned. Checked.

Hunger satiated. Checked.

Room temp just nice. Checked.

Baby's temp. Checked.

Tummy nice and soft. Checked.

Sleepiness. Checked.

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Then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL CRYING???!!!

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I could cry with you.

Because I really don't know what you want.

And I've tried my best to comfort you in all ways possible.

And the worse thing is for a mother not to know what her child wants and to fail in comforting her child.

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I'm a failure.

Torn

This has got to be the most messed up day in my life.

Not messed up in a terrible kind of way. More in a mixed emotions dunno what to do kind of way. And it sucks. I hate being in a situation where I have no control over. Where I'm not as sure about decisions as I normally am. Where it involves me choosing between what is best for me and for someone I love.

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The ONLY other time when I was put into this situation was on Nov 10th 2007. It was the most messed up day of my life. That is, before today. And no, I am not going to write about it because I'm just not going to.

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Besides, it happened last year and I've already made the decision which led me to where my life is at the moment. So yeah, not gonna write about it. But that doesn't mean I can't think about it.

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But I am going to write about why today is messed up.

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No, it's got nothing to do with what daddy said about me on Monday night although I am still feeling the sting from it.

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I mean, I'm 46kgs now, only ONE more kg to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and he called me fat. FAT.

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FAT!

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Anyways.....sigh....back to my messed up day today.

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I got a call this afternoon. From a future employer. Asking me to go in for a meeting next Monday. And I was elated!

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The thought of being back in the working world (like as if I disappeared for so long like that) just got me grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it. Being able to join in the peak hours traffic again. Having people around me to call colleagues. Lunch time! Earning my own income again. Getting to dress up for work. Walking around in the corporate world. The list just goes on.

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Of course, as decided, I don't plan to start working till after CNY and after we've settled down in our new home, and when Renée is older and after I've weaned her off breastmilk.

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But the thought of going back to work, gosh, is just fantastic!

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I think the pass 2 months plus of staying home and looking after Renée has gotten to me and for someone like me, who can hardly stay in one place for too long, well, it's an accomplishment.

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I love being with Renée. I love waking up to her and playing with her everday and watching her face turn red whenever she's about to cry. I love it when she crunches up her little nose whenever she tries to sneeze and nothing comes out. I love it when she passes explosive motions. When she smiles in her sleep and when she gives me the "Mummy looks like an idiot" look.

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Which is WHY today is messed up. On one hand, I want to go back to work. To escape the 4 walls of the house. To earn my own income and to help take some pressure off FattyHubby in supporting the family.

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On the other hand, I want to bring Renée up on my own. To see her different accomplishments everyday. To experience her little little new ways as she grows day by day. And I cannot CANNOT even tolerate the fact that if I go back to work, I would have to give her up to someone else to babysit for me. That someone else other than me will be the one spending more time with her. That someone else will be experiencing her little little new ways everyday. That someone else will be the one taking over MY role as mother when I go off to the office.

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And I HATE the thought of her getting close to that someone else other than me. Sharing her smiles and laughter with someone else.

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Yes, I am possessive.

But this is my daughter.

So I'm allowed to be.

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I know. So many mothers out there give up their children to babysitters, and I envy them for being able to do it. I salute them. It takes great courage and sacrifice having to make the choice of doing that. And I don't know if I will ever be able to do that.

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So it all boils down to making a choice.

Making the RIGHT choice.

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Which is why I'm messed up today.

It's ironic really

...that I left a 5 days week, 9am - 6pm, fully paid, high flying management job for a 24 hours 7 days week job as a stay home mom with NO pay.

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...that I'm no longer reporting to the General Manager of the company I used to work for but am now at the beck and call of a little 2 weeks old, bawling and pooping miniature of FattyHubby.

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taken BEFORE i delivered

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...and the question is

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AM I HAPPY?

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*thinks*

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Well, I guess I am.

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just out from my tummy

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Don't get me wrong if I don't sound as enthusiastic as a new mother should be. It is after all a totally different lifestyle as to what I used to live before. A year ago, I was still club hopping and chugging down jugs of beers. It never even crossed my mind that I would have a daughter so soon.

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Renée's info

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And now that I'm stuck at home with only a wailing baby to look at, two heavily engorged breasts, having to put the wailing baby to feed every hour - day AND night, the lack of sleep, the still slightly potruding tummy, and a disaster of a hairstyle....

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...well, let's just say that my life isn't the same as before and will never be again.

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1 day old

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I look back at pictures of my partying days, which by the way, was NOT so long ago....and sigh...

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I look back at pictures of myself in a bikini taken in Koh Samui....and sigh...

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I look back at my gorgeous long hair which I was sporting just 9 months ago...and sigh...

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...but then, when my eyes set upon my daughter, that slight smile sitting on her sleepy face....I know everything was worth giving up for.

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After all, I can always go partying again when Renée's slightly older, and I would definitely be able to get back into shape again with a little bit of exercise, and hair will grow in time....but nothing can ever replace the precious moment when I first set eyes on my daughter, and know that she is MINE.

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my sweetheart

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Although, I had one drama pregnancy....but I shall blog about that another time.