Torn

This has got to be the most messed up day in my life.

Not messed up in a terrible kind of way. More in a mixed emotions dunno what to do kind of way. And it sucks. I hate being in a situation where I have no control over. Where I'm not as sure about decisions as I normally am. Where it involves me choosing between what is best for me and for someone I love.

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The ONLY other time when I was put into this situation was on Nov 10th 2007. It was the most messed up day of my life. That is, before today. And no, I am not going to write about it because I'm just not going to.

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Besides, it happened last year and I've already made the decision which led me to where my life is at the moment. So yeah, not gonna write about it. But that doesn't mean I can't think about it.

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But I am going to write about why today is messed up.

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No, it's got nothing to do with what daddy said about me on Monday night although I am still feeling the sting from it.

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I mean, I'm 46kgs now, only ONE more kg to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and he called me fat. FAT.

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FAT!

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Anyways.....sigh....back to my messed up day today.

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I got a call this afternoon. From a future employer. Asking me to go in for a meeting next Monday. And I was elated!

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The thought of being back in the working world (like as if I disappeared for so long like that) just got me grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it. Being able to join in the peak hours traffic again. Having people around me to call colleagues. Lunch time! Earning my own income again. Getting to dress up for work. Walking around in the corporate world. The list just goes on.

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Of course, as decided, I don't plan to start working till after CNY and after we've settled down in our new home, and when Renée is older and after I've weaned her off breastmilk.

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But the thought of going back to work, gosh, is just fantastic!

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I think the pass 2 months plus of staying home and looking after Renée has gotten to me and for someone like me, who can hardly stay in one place for too long, well, it's an accomplishment.

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I love being with Renée. I love waking up to her and playing with her everday and watching her face turn red whenever she's about to cry. I love it when she crunches up her little nose whenever she tries to sneeze and nothing comes out. I love it when she passes explosive motions. When she smiles in her sleep and when she gives me the "Mummy looks like an idiot" look.

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Which is WHY today is messed up. On one hand, I want to go back to work. To escape the 4 walls of the house. To earn my own income and to help take some pressure off FattyHubby in supporting the family.

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On the other hand, I want to bring Renée up on my own. To see her different accomplishments everyday. To experience her little little new ways as she grows day by day. And I cannot CANNOT even tolerate the fact that if I go back to work, I would have to give her up to someone else to babysit for me. That someone else other than me will be the one spending more time with her. That someone else will be experiencing her little little new ways everyday. That someone else will be the one taking over MY role as mother when I go off to the office.

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And I HATE the thought of her getting close to that someone else other than me. Sharing her smiles and laughter with someone else.

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Yes, I am possessive.

But this is my daughter.

So I'm allowed to be.

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I know. So many mothers out there give up their children to babysitters, and I envy them for being able to do it. I salute them. It takes great courage and sacrifice having to make the choice of doing that. And I don't know if I will ever be able to do that.

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So it all boils down to making a choice.

Making the RIGHT choice.

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Which is why I'm messed up today.