Office Cockroaches - Yucks!

Crazy people are like crawling all over the place. They are like cockroaches, lurking in dark corners and when you least expect to see one, they scurry out from their hiding places and runs across your feet.

Most people's reaction to a cockroach would be to WHACK! it - HARD

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And that's what I plan to do to the cockroach in my office.

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Because this cockroach has been alive and kicking for far too long and it's beginning to annoy the fucking daylights out of me. But it's good, really good. It hides so well in its own dark place that nobody ever even notices there is one there, until it runs out and RUINS people's lives!

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And worse! With the blardy thing alive for so long, it has even begin to start having her - oops! Did I say 'her'? I meant to say 'it' - own fucking colony living within its nest.

All of them, just lurking there, ready for their leader to give the signal, and they are ready to scurry out from their hiding holes and cause screams of terror among everyone else.

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But not me. No way. I'm not in the least terrified of cockroaches. In fact, I fine joy in flattening them to nothing.

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And I am already planning out my masterplan to trap this cockroach on my own. Because this cockroach has been nothing but a pest and a nuisance and it almost ruined my career!.

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And once I catch it, I'm gonna feed it, make it turn so fat and so trusting towards me and then one day, when it least expects anything to happen to it - WHAM!!!! - At worst, my Gucci boots will just have to be sent for a thorough cleaning. But imagine my joy in hearing the loud pop! of the exploding little IMBECILE.

MUahHAHAhaHahHHAHAHAhahHAHAHAHA!!!!!

KAKakakakakKAKAKAKAKAkakaka!!!!!

Bye-bye little cockroach! Have fun in your afterlife - if you even have one.

Wishful thinking

I wish....
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....to own my own PR agency
....to scream at the top of my lungs without anyone thinking that I'm crazy
....to travel the world
....to visit all the beautiful beaches there are
....to be able to help all the homeless children in this world
....to be able to turn around and see the ocean dancing behind me
....to have bigger eyes
....to be able to not give a care about what the world thinks about my body
....or about what I look like
....to be able to go by myself everyday
....to have a slimmer waistline
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I want....
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....to wake up every morning in his arms
....to have my own baby nestled on my breast
....to have the perfect wedding
....to look into his eyes to know that he loves me
....to hold his hand and feel his strength
....to feel important to him
....to make all our wishes come true
....to walk down the aisle and see him waiting for me
....to see our children grow
....to grow old with our good friends
....to be a mother
....to be able to tell him how much I love him right now
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I can't wait....
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....to meet God
....to ask Him the many questions that are playing in my head
....for our new place to be ready
....to move in together with him
....to cook our first meal
....to get my dream car
....to start earning more than what I earn now
....to see what he has in store to surprise me when he proposes
....for them to start calling me Aunt
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I'm seriously thinking of....
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....quiting my job
....starting out on my own
....slapping my boss across his face
....going on a non-carbs diet
....joining the gym again
....shaving myself bald
....getting a Brazillian wax
....one more tatoo
....piercing my tongue again
....getting my eyes done

Somebody pleeeease make me happy!

I'm in love.

I am soooo deeply in love, I might just strangle myself if I don't get one of these if he doesn't get me one of these (by the way, I like the pink one).

Have always fancied myself holding one of these babies while I'm out traveling, or lazing by the beach, or even in the office and the pink one looks so totally hot!

I also need this! Yes, 'need' not 'want'. I NEED this.

Imagine, with the 'busy' schedule I keep these days, it's amazing how I have managed to get by all these while without the 02 xda atom organizing me. Wow! Sometimes, I just amaze myself with all my capabilities.

However, I still NEED to have this to help me organise my up-coming busy days.

Trust me, babes, you will benefit from it too once you get me one of these.

But of course, to have up-coming busy days, I would really, seriously need this ring (just to start the ball rolling, you know). I'm not too sure how much it cost but I don't think it'll be thaaaaat expensive. After all, it's only from Tiffany & Co. *cough*cough*ahem*cough*

So, once I have THIS ring on my finger, the busy days will definitely start coming. So much planning to do, the food, the venue, the transportation, the gowns, so much to do so much to do, its ridiculous! Therefore the much needed 02 xda atom, darling.

All the running around, hustling and bustling here and there would really quite tire me out, you know. And sending me to the spa every single day would be rather pricy, my dear, so I really don't mind just settling for the Osim uZap massage belt.

Imagine, with this, I won't even be bugging anyone for a massage!

Now, how about that!

(by the way, honey, I'm free this entire weekend for shopping!)

Away to KL

If you've been thinking about entering into a formal study of astrology,
numerology or other occult science, Kristy , this is the day to get started.
There may be a school or teacher nearby that you've been considering. By doing
this you could open up doors to new knowledge, meet some new friends who share
your interests, and actually steer your life in a fascinating new direction.
Pick up the phone and do the first step!

My horoscope for the day

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Right!
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I don't know about astrology or numerology or whatever but I sure do know that I got a whole lesson on shitology from the shitologies of shitologies guru, Alf.
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Here I was, minding my own business for the first time and in saunters Alf, looking all wordly and wise and then, he sees me muching on wasabi peas and this look of horror consumes his entire face.
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You shouldn't be eating that! If you wanna shit, you have to eat this, this
and this and that that that......

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It went on for so long I forgot to take notes.
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*********

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I'm going away for the weekend!

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SK has decided to pamper the both of us to a nice, relaxing weekend at the luxurious KL Hilton and I'm loving it!

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Will be back to publish more pictures on the Hilt KL.

In the mean time, have a great weekend, peeps!

Life is a Bitch and then you die

I just got off the phone after a very long argument with him. Ironically, up till now, I still don't know what he was so upset about. I still don't know what went so wrong that caused us to fight from last night. In fact, I think I'm a little more confused now compared to when he first called me this morning.
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It's like blowing something out of proportion.
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It's like making a mountain out of a molehill.
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It's like consuming a tea spoon of Coloxyl and a whole load of shit comes out.
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It's like DOWNRIGHT ridiculous!
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Why wanna go fight fight fight, argue argue argue about something that is so insignificantly small and waste time for? Time that can be used for better things somemore.
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It's like this. We spend so much time blaming one another for things that did or did not go wrong but in the end, what happens? It's either we kiss and make up, or we walk seperate ways. So what was all the fuss made up for in the first place?
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Take for example, the bombers in the Sept 11th attack on the World Trade Centre. Spend so much time hi-jacking the plane only to have it crash into the building. And then you die. So you say you did it for the love of your country. So you say your name will go down in history. Bullshit! Your leader won't give two hoots about you. After all, he's got what he wanted, you think he will spend time grieving for you or declaring you as hero. No lorr.
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You killed yourself all for what? Only to end up forever in hell together with Botak Chin and Hitler kan? Happy meh?
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And those people who spend so much time trafficking drugs. You go through so much risks just to earn easy money and then in the end what happens? You got time to spend that money meh? Got time to go buy nice nice clothes, go eat yummy yummy food and live in big big house meh? No right. Because in the end, you get caught and get sentenced to death right. So make life so susah for what?
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All I'm saying is why do people have to fight? Why can't everyone just be happy, be understanding and just appreciate what we have?
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After all, life is only so long. It all ends one day. You fight so much for what? In the end also you die right? Give people so much problems for what? In the end also mati kan?
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Be happy lah! Be understanding! Love each another.
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Then in the end, die also die happy.

Shiny Pearlz

Everybody, meet Pearlz.

She's one of my buddies, my work-mate, my laughing partner, my pedicure kaki, my advisor @ work, my entertainer (to help me pass time at work), my partner in crime, my bully victim - all in all, she's one of my favourite biatches and I love her to pieces!


Of course, there are the times when I so feel like cekik-ing her because she can be so absolutely mean to me, but then again, if I do kill her, I'd have nothing to look forward to when I got to work.


Like the time when she fucking tempted me with Maggie Mee Curry! Knowing very well that I have to stay away from anything spicy thanks to that operation I had to go through a couple of weeks ago, she still popped open that cup of noodles, poured hot boiling water over it and tempted me with the absolutely, yummy-licious, aroma of powdered maggie mee curry, wafting so very smoothly straight into my nostrils - which were of course, buldging with every sniff.
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Sluuuurrrrrrp!

She even had the audacity to lean over to show it to me, thus bringing the smell closer to my nose. I was surprised my nose just didn't drop straight into the cup and inhaled the whole thing in. Ok, erm....that's disgusting.
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Pearlz is happily married and have a two year old daughter, Tasha.

I have many friends who are happily married with children and dogs and fishes and houses but somehow, the relationship between Pearlz and Pat is very different and it stands out among all my other married friends.

They have been married for 4 and a half years and yet, when they are together, they look like as if they have just started dating for 2 weeks.

Sitting from right across her at work, I can hear her mobile ringing all the time with that annoying ring tone of hers too. I think anyone at work would have recognised the ringtone to be Pat's personal tone by now. Even the guy with ONE ear can tell. Pat sms-es her like a thousand times a day, and, of course, vice-versa.

SK and I call each another a thousand times a day as well, but that's because we haven't been married for 4 and a half years! Hell, we're not even married!

A relationship like what Pat and Pearly have is very very hard to come by. Sad to say, these days, most relationships do not last that long. And even if they do, the couple is probably together because they have been together that long and they've become too lazy to go search for somebody else.

In other words, they've been coccooned into their comfort zone.

I would love to have a relationship like they do, but sadly, I do not know what will become of SK and I after 4 years of marriage and a two year old kid.

We could be spending more time making more kids.

We might have killed each another by then.

Or, we might not even last that long.

But I would love working the relationship towards making more kids - or at least the process of making more kids *winks*

Coloxyl, the life saver

I was desperate.
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It had been 4 full days since I last poop-ed and it wasnt doing my body any good.
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I felt nauseas. My tummy was so bloated with shit I felt like a freaking 'see-ham'. And it didn't help with the fact that it also made me look like as if I was 5 months pregnant with shit. I mean, just think about it. 4 days of digested food in your intestines, waiting for their freedom and the jail-keeper couldnt find the key to open the door to release them. 4 days can turn anything into toxic. Hell, the stench alone could kill a whole army.
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So I did what I had to do.
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Bananas. In bunches too. I think I bought like 3 bunches of bananas over 3 days. And they're not cheap ok.
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Papayas.
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Kiwi fruits.
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Everything fibre-ish I ever knew existed, I tried.
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But to no avail.
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So yesterday, I had no choice but to use the last option on my "How to Make Myself Shit" list. To take medicated laxatives.
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So I consummed 15ml of the Lactulose liquid (as I have been doing everyday since I was out from the operation).

The doctor told me that anyone who takes this would feel the effects after 2 - 3 hours. But I have been taking it obediently everyday but somehow, it doesn't work the same on me. Maybe cos my ass muscles are stubborn? I don't know.

So, I decided not to take any chances. I decided I should to the ultimum and consume another kind of laxative at the same time.
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Pearlz, of course, would know of my problem. Actually, everyone in the office knew I was having this problem but let's focus on Pearlz, shall we?

She's my colleague, and a very good friend as well. Only 29 but married with a two year old daughter who is, by the way, absoluuuuuuuuutely adorable! Of course everyone knows that I'm not married and I don't have a two year old kid, but somehow, strangely, Pearlz and I click just fine.

Perhaps we're the ONLY two English-speaking people in the company, who, by some crazy coincidence happens to be working in the same department that consist of only two people. Which is, by the way, me and her.

Or perhaps it's because I'm preparing myself to get married and she's guiding me towards making my wedding a successful one.

Or maybe we just love each another to bits and we make each another laugh so much that we get aches in our tummies.

Or, sadly, because we don't have anyone else around to share our ups and downs with. After all, we do spend more than 8 hours a day in the office. I see her face more than I see the boyfriend's face!

Anyways, so, she knows about me having problems sitting on the 'throne' and all that right, so she, being the good mummy that she always is, brought me Tasha's (her two year old kid) constipation relief medication.

Introducing Coloxyl Drops aka chocolate flavoured laxative aka Kahlua neat.

Yes, you read it right. It says, 'To Relieve Constipation in Infants'

What? I don't look like an infant to you, issit?

Directions:

less than 1 yrs old: 1 drop

1 - 3 yrs old: 2 drops

above 3 yrs old: 25 drops

So how much do I take?

Heck it. I downed the same amount of 'Kahlua' as I did the Lactulose liquid.

2 hours later, I was ripping off my pants and running to the bathroom.

30 minutes later, I came out, drenched in pespiration, gasping for air like as if I just ran the 100km jog-a-thon, but with a super-flat waistline.

If someone were to come and have it measured, I think I could have bagged the Guinness Book of Records for the 'World Longest Piece of Shit'.

National Press 'Let's Not Pick Up Calls' Day

Yup, that's right. It's National Press 'Let's Not Pick Up Calls' Day today!
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Honestly, I never knew that such a thing ever existed. So boy was I surprised when I was conveniently introduced to it. And non other but by the press themselves! I just feel so totally honoured!
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Ok ok. Dun jealous. You also can. Next time I let you know when then you try ok. Everyone sure get chance wan.
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But just in case I forget to let you know lah, here's a simple guide to realise that, "Hey, it's National Press 'Let's Not Pick Up Calls' Day!
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Step 1
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Pick up your phone.

Step 2

Look through the list of phone numbers to find the one you need.

Step 3

Dial the number and wait for the ringing tone.

Step 4

If it rings, you're one lucky bastard.

If somebody answers on the fourth tone, I think Santa Claus loves you.

Most of the time, you'll usually get that annoying engaged tone. Kindda makes you go deaf if you hear it one too many times. Even Santa Claus's son will turn to snow with a beard of course.

If it rings - read on.

If you get that annoying engaged tone - repeat Steps 1 - 4.

Step 5

Wait for someone to answer.

Wait...

and wait....

and wait........

and wait............

till the annoying engaged tone comes on again.

you can count the seconds go by on your watch while waiting

or look around and analyse your colleague's bald spot

or just put your receiver down, go to the loo, grab a cuppa, whatever. if someone does answer, that mother effer can wait. chances are, there won't be anyone to answer.Why?

That's right. You've been hit! It's National Press 'Let's Not Pick Up Calls' Day! And you're the lucky one, dude!

Try going through this 50 times a day. It's a sure great way to commit suicide. Painless too.

Once upon a time

There was once upon a time in my life (not too long ago as I can still remember it very clearly) when I led the lifestyle of the *cough*rich&famous*cough*cough* of any normal 'youngster' would lead.
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I went partying every single weekend. Without fail. And guzzled down booze like as if it was 'the most happening thing' to be doing.
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Of course, thanks to my bloodlines, I don't make it the habit of gettin' smashed all the time, except on certain occassions - like my 26th birthday...
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As you can see, someone looks pretty happy and entertained with the fact that I was puking all my guts out.
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Serious. I went clubbing every weekend and there was NOT a single rave I missed. Rave was the MUST-BE-SEEN-THERE for me at one point in my life. It was crazy!

I was there for the Zouk R3VELATION in Port Dickson.....

I was there for the Tiesto rave in Sepang....

I was at the Chivas Regal rave in Gentings....(yeah, that's meeeeee in the gray tube)

I was serious when I said I attended every freaking rave there was. I was just a HARD-CORE raver!

Geee....now that I think about it, why was I?

Heck. All in all, I had a great life!

Besides going for all the parties there ever were, I ate like a pig as well. I LOVE food. It's why I was brought into this world in the first place. To eat! To savour good quality food like nobody else has ever done before. To indulge.

This explains why I ended up as food critique during my employment with one of the biggest group of Chinese restaurants in Malaysia and also as a food taster during my employment with a very *ahem* - sorry I cannot really voice my opinions of that company as this site is suppose to be a friendly-site 'unique' French man.

I had every right as was given to me by Him when I born to eat anything and everything that I wanted.

I could have a HUGE a plate of spicy Tom Yum spagetti if I wanted....

If I wanted to have that bowl of Curry Laksa from that stall, I WILL have it and nobody can stop me....

And if there were even any signs of hunger pangs for Balik Pulau's assam laksa then by jóve, I will drive there myself just to quench those pangs.

But sadly, these rights were very, very CRUELLY snatched away from me on August 15th, 2006. The day I was wheeled into the OT for that......oh....that that that dumb surgery.

And when the doctor told me to my face that I had to change my lifestyle PERMENANTLY! else the problem occurs again and I would have to be wheeled in for a more serious operation.

So goodbye clubbing...
Goodbye booze guzzling....
Sayonara good ol' raves

Bye-bye tom yum spagetti

Bye-bye curry laksa and assam laksa

And hello to dull, yucky, bland tasteless food.

I've been eating nothing but fruits fruits and more fruits!

PAPAYAS!!!!!

BANANAS!!!!!

Someone throw me a blender so I can kill myself!