This is me

I thought I could handle it.

I seriously thought I could go through with the whole thing.

And not let it bother me.

I gave myself enough faith and was confident I could pull through.

Without so much as bringing myself down to any level.

Without so much as having hatred in my heart.

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But I FAILED!

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I couldn't handle it.

I couldn't go through with the whole thing.

It bothered me.

I disappointed myself.

And hatred just grew and grew and grew.

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I'm sorry if I disappointed you.

I'm sorry if I let you down.

But YOU disappointed me too.

And YOU let me down too.

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Why did you have to say what you did?

Why couldn't you just let me say what I want? Nobody heard me. I was harming no one.

Knowing already how I feel, you should have just let me be.

Why did you have to defend?. And I didn't like it. Not one bit. And this will forever be embedded into my heart.

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I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for blogging this.

But this is the only way I know you'll understand.

This is the only way I know you'll know.

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There's something living inside me. It lives in my mind, my head, my heart. It haunts my very being and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just eating me alive.

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I was born with this monster inside me. And with this monster I'll take to my death.

Because this is me. This is who I am.

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I can't change me. I can't change who I am. And YOU can't expect me to change.

This is how I am and this is how I will always be.

I have tried and you KNOW I've tried, to make myself a better me, to improve this monster inside me, to have more faith in everything that I have, everything that has been given to me.

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But sometimes, there's only so much I can take.

And what happened last night went way beyond what I can take.

And you know what you did.

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And that disappointed me real bad.

And it's got me thinking.

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But I forgive you.

And I hope you will not repeat what you did.

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And I pray that you will learn to understand me better.

Understand who I am. Understand HOW I am.

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This is me.